The email that saved Christmas for me

Christmas was almost ruined for me because of Jack in the Box!! While on our way home after visiting family for Christmas Eve the kids said they were hungry which was of no surprise to me because they were playing all night with their cousins so the only place I could find that was open was Jack in the Box. They ordered chicken sandwiches and I had a burger. Well I ended up with food poisoning and the kids were fine, thankfully. So while I was laying in pain my cell phone flashed telling me I had received an email. That email was from my IM and its one of the sweetest and most wonderful emails I have ever gotten. It came at the right time too :) I am only going to post a part of it, a part that touched me deeply:

We just spread Paz's remains last Sunday. We ended up leaving her in the Bay close to where we keep our boat in Brisbane. That way we can pass the spot every time we go out. Also, all you need to do is to look at the Bay to see her. By the way, last Sunday I went to church before leaving the house with Paz. Interestingly, the scripture was about Mary visiting her sister Elizabeth, and husband Zachariah. Mary was 14 and pregnant and Elizabeth was older and pregnant. As the story goes, when Elizabeth sees Mary pregnant, she yells out with joy. At that moment the baby Jesus leaps into Marys belly. Elizabeth goes on to say how much she can't believe that Mary is going to deliver her saviour and God. As I was sitting there, listening, of course I thought about you immediately and realized that there was a reason why I went to church that day. I think its been about 6 months since I've gone. In any case, what I got out of the story was just how connected Mary and Elizabeth were and how important personal connections are. Although we don't talk as much as we used to, I really appreciate our connection and your connection to Paz. Thank you again for your tremendous love and dedication to her.

I've also added a few pics from Christmas :)

Random #1

Tonight I was deep frying cheese sticks and chicken nuggets for my kids when RJ comes through the kitchen to help me bring the laundry in from the laundry room. As we started back into the kitchen I could hear the cheese sticks starting to break open from being in the oil to long so I told him to get out of the way so I could get to the cheese sticks before they broke open. This is when he breaks out with a very random story:



RJ: Hey mom do you remember when we lived in the other house?

Me: Yes sweetie

RJ: well one day I took a fork and put a marshmallow on it (at this point I am wondering where the heck this is going) and put it in the microwave.... you know the white one.

Me: WHAT!!!

RJ: Yeah and then sparks and flames started coming out of it

Me: Why would you do that?

RJ: because I wanted roasted marshmallows like I saw on T.V.

Me: Don't you know you could have got hurt?? or worse you could have burned the house down!!

Who was watching you that day? and what did you do?

RJ: Grandpa was watching me but he was in the back yard. When I saw the flames I opened the door and got the fork with a towel and ate the marshmallow. It was good too!


This was about a year ago that it happened. I remember that the microwave stopped working but never knew why.... until tonight that is.

Being a mom is not easy!

Tonight I had to put on my mom hat and actually follow through with a threat I made to my son. It was one of the hardest things I think I have ever done and I am still feeling horrible for doing it.

Rj has a mind of his own and will let you know it. He is much older than his true age. He does not listen at all in fact he is having a hard time in school and one of the teachers biggest complaints is that he does not listen, now he does have a specific learning disability (ummm whatever that means, I am still trying to get the school district to clarify that one) and severe speech and language delays, but that is no excuse for him not to listen. Anyways today was just to much for me so after about 3 or 4 time outs for bad behavior I finally had to send him to bed at 6:00 pm! No books no toys and no TV!

Now I know this might seem like an easy task but I am a push over for my kids. Every time I have ever put either one of them to bed early I have always let them back out because they told me they were sorry. Tonight I decided that enough is enough and yet here I am hurting.

I now know what my mom meant when she would tell me that it hurt her more than me.

I am hoping and keeping my fingers crossed that tomorrow will be a better day and he learned a lesson tonight.

That lesson: Mommie is not playing around anymore ;)

Emotional wreck today

Today started out so well or so I thought. My emotions keep getting the best of me and for no reason what so ever I will just burst out in tears. A big part of it is the card that I got for my IM's today. It is so hard to put my thoughts into words expressing how I feel. This is what the card says:

Too often we forget
to count our blessings
until December rolls around,
and the Christmas spirit
finds us and reminds us
of how good life is,
how fortunate we've been.

I hope the holidays bring
generous feelings,
good memories,
time spent with
the ones you love......
All the best reminders
of the dreams, hopes,
wonder, and beauty of life.

This is what I wrote:

Words cannot express how grateful I am for the journey we had. Though we did not get the ending we dreamed of I will always remember you, L and S but especially Paz. She grew under my heart for five short months but her memory has been imprinted in my heart forever.
Thank you for everything
Love,

Elizabeth

Feelings of anxiety have started

The third of December is approaching rather quickly and I am dreading this day. I am feeling so many different emotions today,(sadness, anger, jealousy, resentment, betrayed, forgotten) How fair is it that my dream was ripped away from me and there was nothing I could do about it? How fair is it that my former Intended Mom's daughter was taken from them too soon and even though one is a doctor there was nothing she could do about it either? These last few weeks should have been filled with love and laughter and waiting for a beautiful little girl to be born, and yet here we are filled with sadness and despair. I sit here in tears wondering why me? I have been doing so well the last few months but knowing her due date is almost here has completely thrown me back to all the raw emotions I thought I had overcome.

How can a life be taken away so easily? How is it fair for a life to never get a chance to live? What is the greater good of loosing a life so young?

I have not heard from my former Intended Mom's in months and have not seen them since they left me in the hospital. I often wonder to myself if they think of me. I asked for one of the many pictures they took of her and 3 months later I still haven't received it. Is it too much to ask? They are not the only ones grieving over the loss of Paz, I know that seeing any pictures of her is hard for them but I cant even remember what she looks like anymore. All I have is her hand and foot prints that I cherish and hold close to my heart. I think that I can begin to heal completely once I receive a picture of her because then I wouldn't feel so guilty for not remembering her face.