Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Feelings of anxiety have started

The third of December is approaching rather quickly and I am dreading this day. I am feeling so many different emotions today,(sadness, anger, jealousy, resentment, betrayed, forgotten) How fair is it that my dream was ripped away from me and there was nothing I could do about it? How fair is it that my former Intended Mom's daughter was taken from them too soon and even though one is a doctor there was nothing she could do about it either? These last few weeks should have been filled with love and laughter and waiting for a beautiful little girl to be born, and yet here we are filled with sadness and despair. I sit here in tears wondering why me? I have been doing so well the last few months but knowing her due date is almost here has completely thrown me back to all the raw emotions I thought I had overcome.

How can a life be taken away so easily? How is it fair for a life to never get a chance to live? What is the greater good of loosing a life so young?

I have not heard from my former Intended Mom's in months and have not seen them since they left me in the hospital. I often wonder to myself if they think of me. I asked for one of the many pictures they took of her and 3 months later I still haven't received it. Is it too much to ask? They are not the only ones grieving over the loss of Paz, I know that seeing any pictures of her is hard for them but I cant even remember what she looks like anymore. All I have is her hand and foot prints that I cherish and hold close to my heart. I think that I can begin to heal completely once I receive a picture of her because then I wouldn't feel so guilty for not remembering her face.

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